It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
