Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
