Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Found your dick twin last night
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
