I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
