He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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