Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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