Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
