TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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