what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
