Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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