I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
