I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
