my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
