I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
