I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
