I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
