It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
