i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
