Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
