I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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