I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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