My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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