we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize