I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i black out too much to be "responsible"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
