how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
