I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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