So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I need to calm my uterus...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
