i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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