Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
