Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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