I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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