my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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