Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
