Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
