I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
