I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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