ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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