I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
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I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.