Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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