i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
