Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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