I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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