Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
barbara walters just said penis...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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