I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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