I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
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Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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