Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
