So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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