Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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