I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
