FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
