i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He passed out mid-signature
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
