Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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