I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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